Brian's Bits
by Brian64
Summary: A collection of drabbles and shorts that don't have their own story... at least not yet. You can expect to see Harry as the main character, and you won't find any m/m slash inside, or anything explicit.
1. Mistletoe and Nargles

**Welcome to Brian's Bits...**

I've noticed a number of writers have a 'catch-all' story where they post their shorts and drabbles that they don't believe deserve posting as a separate story. It seems like a good idea to me, so I thought I'd start one myself, beginning with a drabble I wrote recently for Potterficforum.

_Disclaimer:_ Is there anyone on the planet (or at least, anyone reading this story) that doesn't know Harry Potter and associated characters were created by JK Rowling? Well anything you recognise in this story belongs to her, and anything you don't… probably belongs to her as well. I'm just playing in her world and have no intentions of making any profit from this story or messing with her copyrights (and neither should you!)

**Mistletoe and Nargles** by Brian64

_...what if the chasers hadn't arrived early to interrupt Harry and Luna's discussion about Mistletoe and Nargles in OOTP?_

(Prologue taken from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling)

_Harry arrived early in the Room of Requirement for the last DA meeting before the holidays and was very glad he had, because when the torches burst into flame he saw that Dobby had taken it upon himself to decorate the place for Christmas. He could tell the elf had done it, because nobody else would have strung a hundred golden baubles from the ceiling, each showing a picture of Harry's face and bearing the legend: 'HAVE A VERY HARRY CHRISTMAS!' Harry had only just managed to get the last of them down before the door creaked open and Luna Lovegood entered, looking as dreamy as usual _

_'Hello,' she said vaguely, looking around at what remained of the decorations. 'These are nice, did you put them up?' _

_'No,' said Harry, 'it was Dobby the house-elf.' _

_'Mistletoe,' said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. _

_'Good thinking,' said Luna very seriously. 'It's often infested with Nargles.'_

. . .

"Nargles?" Harry asked confused, peering up at the mistletoe wondering what he was supposed to be looking for.

"They do seem to like it. Nobody knows why. Perhaps that's why people hang up mistletoe to attract them? You know, the way Muggles put big rods on tall buildings to attract lightning."

"Uh, Luna, I don't think people put up mistletoe to attract Nargles." Harry said, slightly embarrassed.

"Really? Well why else would they hang it up then?" she asked, staring at him intently.

"Well, umm, there's this tradition you see.. err.. where if people find themselves under mistletoe they are, you know..." Harry said, trailing off.

Luna stared at him impassively. "No, Harry, I don't know."

"Well, they-are-supposed-to-kiss." Harry said, tripping over the words in a rush to get them out.

Luna thought about it for a moment. "Well, that has to be the strangest thing I've ever heard. Why would people need to kiss just because they were standing under mistletoe?"

"I don't know. They just do." Harry replied.

"I suppose it would be a little strange if two boys found themselves under the mistletoe and had to kiss then."

"Umm, no, Luna, it's only when a boy and a girl are under it." Harry said, shuddering at the thought.

"Oh, okay. Well, shouldn't you kiss me then?" she asked him.

"What? Why would you want me to kiss you?" Harry asked, starting to panic.

Luna looked confused, "Well, we were both standing under the mistletoe."

"That's okay, I won't tell anyone." Harry replied quickly.

Luna looked at him thoughtfully for a minute, then another, and Harry started to squirm involuntarily under her unblinking stare. As it continued he found himself thinking about what he'd just said, and in a flash of rare inspiration, he realised that Luna was giving him that opportunity to reconsider deliberately. After a little more thought, he realised what he should do to make things right.

He stepped forward again so that he was under the mistletoe with Luna and leaned in to kiss her softly.

Afterwards, she smiled at him, and then drew her wand and summoned the mistletoe, placing it in her pocket.

"What did you do that for?" He asked.

"Well, there will be a lot of girls in here for the DA meeting soon, and I don't want any of them kissing you.

"You don't?" Harry asked.

"No, I would rather be the one doing that. Do you think we can practice kissing a little more after the meeting?" Luna asked him, her gaze fixed firmly on him.

Harry thought about his crush on Cho, and realised he'd just been hung up on a pretty face attached to a girl he didn't even know, and couldn't even talk to.

"Umm, sure, Luna. I'd like that."

. . .


	2. Having a Ball

**Having a Ball **by Brian64

_Summary:_ Why is Nearly Headless Nick having such a bad day, and why does the new headmaster want to meet with him? But more importantly, who is Harry taking to the ball? Completely AU fifth year that ignores OoTP, and implies a few other minor changes as well. Not very shippy.

_Disclaimer:_ Is there anyone on the planet (or at least, anyone reading this story) that doesn't know Harry Potter and associated characters were created by JK Rowling? Well anything you recognise in this story belongs to her, and anything you don't... probably belongs to her as well. I'm just playing in her world and have no intentions of making any profit from this story or messing with her copyrights (and neither should you!)

~o~

**Chapter One: Nick's day**

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington was not having a particularly good day. His annual attempt to join the headless hunt had once again been unsuccessful, and yet again he was left to ponder his predicament.

Why was it that a headsman - presumably a trained and qualified professional - would bother to take forty-five strokes with a blunt axe and then, with only a shred of skin remaining, decide to give up and call it a day? Surely sheer stubbornness alone should have compelled the fool to strike again and finish the beheading properly? But alas, the man had simply hung up his axe and left the task unfinished.

What really got under his ruff though was that he'd just learned Hogwarts was planning to hold a Halloween ball. Balls were generally amusing, he supposed, but since this one would coincide with his five hundred and something deathday, there seemed little point in even thinking about holding a party to celebrate it.

Most of the ghosts would no doubt be tasked by the new headmaster to patrol the broom cupboards, empty classrooms and various other trysting places around the castle, as they had at nearly every other ball. Well, back when they used to hold balls that is, before all that silly nonsense began with He-Who-Must-Be-Hyphenated.

The new headmaster was something of a surprise, and truth be told he couldn't find any fault with him. When Madam Bones had been fired at the end of last year for loudly condemning Fudge's action over the Diggory boy's death, Albus had quickly hired her to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts. Of course that led to a fuming Fudge taking his revenge by removing Albus from the school, but Bones stayed.

With these thoughts on his mind he failed to pay attention to his altitude and where he was drifting. Before long he had slid straight through one of the students, who shivered at the contact.

"Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, how terribly rude of me! I wasn't looking where I was going you see. Please do forgive me?" he asked.

"That's okay, Sir Nicholas," the boy replied, "I wasn't watching where I was going either, so we're even."

"Well indeed, I suppose..." he looked at the boy's robes, and sighed. Why did it have to be someone from his own house? "Hmmm, so tell me young Gryffindor, what has you so preoccupied then?"

"Oh, you can call me Harry, Sir Nicholas. We haven't really talked since your last Deathday party have we?"

"Good Lord! Hardly recognised you. So you'd be...what, a sixth year now?" he judged.

"Fifth, actually."

"Ahhh, very good. The time simply flies past doesn't it?"

"Yes it does, the ball will be here before..." He broke off, and Sir Nicholas, having been skilfully diverted from his earlier question, now guessed what was on the boy's mind. There were some benefits to having observed students for five hundred years after all.

"You haven't asked her yet then?" Nick asked gently.

"Wha... What?" Harry stuttered confused, and now wondering if he'd just been the victim of an _Obliviate_ charm. How else had the conversation gone from there to here so quickly?

"A lucky guess. You'd be surprised how many students I've seen wandering the halls in much the same situation as yourself over the centuries."

"I suppose so. But hang on, there must have been something on your mind as well, or you'd have avoided running into me?"

Nick looked over at the student, amused. He'd been preoccupied the first time he'd been diverted, but now that he was paying attention he wasn't about to be side-stepped again quite so easily.

"How about we take a stroll up to the library and have a little chat, shall we? I think a little conversation will be good for both of us."

~o~

Sir Nicholas was a little bewildered as he floated through the castle later that day. His talk with the young Gryffindor had left him completely stunned. Nick had opened up the conversation to try and set the lad at ease by talking about his latest rejection to join the headless hunt. But instead of responding to that with some sympathy as expected, he'd changed the topic entirely.

Somehow Harry had brought the conversation around to how the basilisk had affected him when the chamber of secrets had been opened three years earlier, and he wanted to know why.

"Well, I am a ghost you know, so I couldn't exactly die again, now could I?" Nick had told him.

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful Sir Nicholas, but that's hardly the point now is it? Given your... situation, the basilisk shouldn't have had any effect on you at all, should it? But since it did, how did you recover? I mean the mandrake restorative potion revived the others but... errrr..." He tapered off, and Nick understood that he was trying to avoid giving him any offence.

"You're right, Harry, I couldn't drink the potion, but Madam Pomfrey was kind enough to turn a dose into a fine mist that had the desired effect and restored me."

"Alright then, so this proves beyond any doubt that you can be affected by magic. So tell me Sir Nicholas, shouldn't there be a way to modify a spell to errr... well, you know, a variation on a cutting or severing curse... to make you eligible to join the hunt?"

Nick had been stunned. He was fully aware of the old saying about not being able to see the forest for the trees, but really! He'd lived, or rather, _existed_ with the problem for so long, and it had never once occurred to him that there might be a way to become truly headless. Yet minutes after learning of the problem, a 15 year old student had gone straight to the root cause of his ineligibility.

It wasn't until Harry had started trying to stammer an apology for his rudeness that Nick realised he still hadn't responded to what he'd been asked.

"My dear, dear boy. Please. Once again I am embarrassed beyond words. Your idea is simply inspired and I confess myself completely undone that I have never considered the possibility myself."

"Well, ummm, maybe Professor Bones might be able to suggest something that might help? Perhaps you should ask her?"

"An excellent suggestion young Harry, I believe I shall!"

And with that he had floated off on his new mission, completely oblivious to the smile on the face of the student behind him.

~o~

**Chapter Two: The DADA professor**

Nick floated through the door of the near-empty Defence classroom, towards the woman marking assignments.

"Ahh, Sir Nicholas, you've heard then?"

Nick sighed. "Please, Professor, as Head of Gryffindor house I would like you to call me Nick."

Professor Amelia Bones merely looked at him expectantly.

Nick thought for a moment, there had been a question asked. "As it happens, I'm unsure what it is that I'm supposed to have heard."

"Headmaster Ryan has been looking for you, and asked if you would visit with him-along with the other house ghosts-at 10 this evening."

"I see. I have been expecting the request since the Ball was announced. I believe I know what the headmaster wishes, and of course will be happy to meet with him and assist him as required."

"Thanks Sir Nicholas, I'll let the headmaster know at dinner then. Now, obviously there is something you wanted to see me about. Is one of our students in trouble?"

"What? Oh no. Nothing like that. I have something of a more personal nature to discuss."

The professor raised an eyebrow and cleared the pile of papers she'd been grading from her desk. "Indeed? Continue."

Nick summarised the discussion he'd had earlier, and waited for the response.

"And you say a 15 year old student came up with this idea? A modified severing charm?"

"Yes, young Harry Potter, 5th year. We were talking in the library and... _oh__ sweet Merlin_!"

Amelia stood instantly at the shout, drawing her wand in reflex, and looked around warily. "Explain. Now!" she commanded.

"I apologise, Professor, please, relax. I've just realised something, something dreadful that I've done." He tried to calm himself and continued. "You would know professor that a gentleman of breeding, as I considered myself, takes care to ensure his behaviour is well-mannered?"

Amelia holstered her wand and sat down again. "I have always found you to be so Sir Nicholas. What's this about?"

"Indeed, I had thought so too, so it might surprise you to learn that I have been so distracted with my own problems that I have not only embarrassed myself twice in respect to young Harry, but have just realised how rudely I departed his company before coming here." He shook his head. "So that's three times.. No, _four! Oh dear Merlin!_ I forgot I was supposed to be asking him about his own problem! Oh, this is intolerable!"

"Settle down Sir Nicholas, I'm sure it isn't all that bad."

"Not that bad? How could it possibly be worse? It was just such a casual regard for others that caused me to be executed in the first place!"

"I'm sorry to hear that; however, I'm afraid I really must insist you control yourself now. This isn't productive, and we have some work to do."

"You're right, of course, I must go and apologise, though how I can face him now..."

"Later. First I would like to see what effect, if any, a standard severing hex has on your neck. Having never had reason to cast a spell on a ghost before I'm unsure what to expect. Lets see what happens with a regular spell before we start making extra work for ourselves, shall we? Please stand over there in front of that target, and extend your head as far from your body as possible, please."

The ghost drifted over to the target areas and did as requested.

Amelia's wand appeared to flash as a non-verbal spell shot towards the small flap of translucent skin that was causing Nick so much grief.

"Hmmm, let's try a couple of others." Again Amelia's wand flashed as various spells were cast.

"Well Sir Nicholas, I believe we've established that regular spells have little effect, so I will raise this with the faculty and see if we can't find, or perhaps even create, something more effective."

"Thank you Professor, I do appreciate your efforts. Now if you'll excuse me..."

"Slow down, Sir Nicholas. I'd like you to tell me what's up with one of my... sorry, _our_ Gryffindors."

"Well, unless I'm very much mistaken, I believe there is a young lady he would like to escort to the ball, and my guess is that he has yet to approach her." He sighed ruefully. "I was going to discuss it with him during our last conversation of course, but he was able to deflect me every time I tried. And he succeeded too. I don't suppose the hat got it wrong do you? He'd put many of the Slytherins to shame with his..." He caught the expression on the professor's face and decided he was altogether glad to be already dead.

Nick let out a false cough "Well, in any case... I wasn't able to confirm what was really on his mind."

"I see. Well, I would appreciate it if you would let me know the outcome of your next discussion with him. I've got a niece in Hufflepuff that might take matters into her own hands before long regarding Harry. Anyway, I think we've done all we can for now, but I'll let you know the outcome of the meeting once I've discussed this problem with the others." She paused. "You said Harry suggested a _modified_ spell?"

Nick looked thoughtful "Yes, I don't think he even considered that a regular spell would have any effect."

"Well, that was quite perceptive of him, don't you think? If regular spells had any effect on ghosts, then they would likely have fallen victim to them over the years." Anticipating Nick's next question he continued "However, I've learned never to make assumptions, so we needed to prove that regular spells would not affect you. In any case, I expect it'll take quite some time before we'll have anything new to try. Spell creation is an exact science, and I can only imagine how difficult some of the arithmantic equations are going to be."

"Of course. Well, if that will be all Professor, I'll take my leave now. My thanks for your efforts on my behalf, and of course my apologies for the rudeness I displayed to your student. I shall of course ensure I apologise to him as well."

"Not to worry Sir Nicholas, I'm sure anything more than a quick apology would only embarrass him, so try not to be too extravagant. And for Merlin's sake don't do it in public!"

With a nod to his head of house, Nick drifted off to see if he could find Harry before it got too late.

~o~

**Chapter 3: Meeting with the Headmaster**

Fate it seemed had conspired against Nick, and his efforts to find Harry after dinner had been unsuccessful. Resigned to having to try to track him down the next day, he drifted towards the Headmaster's office for his meeting. He noted that that the Bloody Baron and the Gray Lady had also arrived early, and they were shortly joined by the Fat Friar.

"Thank you all for coming along this evening," Headmaster Ryan began. "I shall not be keeping you long." He steepled his fingers and continued. "It's a curious thing, but while I was reviewing some of my predecessor's old records, I learned some interesting facts. For one thing, it has been far too many years since we've held a Halloween Ball, and while I'm sure there have been good reasons for it in the past, I see no reason why we shouldn't hold them regularly from now on."

Ryan looked across at the four house ghosts. "There is something else that I've just learned from reading the journals, which relates to the Ball and the castle's resident spirits." He paused, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Ah, Headmaster, I believe I may know what you have in mind," Nick said, taking the short silence as an unconscious desire for interruption. "The house ghosts have always taken their roles as chaperones quite seriously, and we would be happy to patrol the castle to help maintain propriety and ensure any personal celebrations are, shall we say, appropriate."

Ryan frowned. "Yes, I've read about that particular task being allocated to you, and as the four coordinating the efforts of all of Hogwarts ghosts I'd like to thank you for your help with past balls. I'd appreciate it if you would pass on my thanks to the others as well. However, that's not why I've asked you here."

He pointed towards a copy of the ball notice that had been posted up in the common rooms and various other locations throughout the school. "I assume you've all read the invitation?"

"Of course, Headmaster," Nick replied.

"And you all noticed the RSVP?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, we have," Nick responded, looking at the other ghosts in the hope that one of them might offer something more helpful. The headmaster was clearly looking for a response, but whatever it was eluded Nick completely.

Ryan sighed. "I had hoped that would have been enough, but perhaps I should have made it more specific. All right, as you can see, it says that _everyone_ is invited to attend, and by _everyone_ I mean that I would like our resident ghosts to attend as well, if they wish to. I personally find it _appalling_ that you have been treated as.. as.. house elves instead of being given the chance to enjoy the ball along with the rest of us. We will be employing security and other staff as required to assist with anything that our volunteers need help with, but I'd like the four of you to try and encourage some RSVP's from the ghosts, okay?"

Nick stared at the man, frozen in place, and wondered if his headmaster was part basilisk. Attending a ball with the living? The closest he'd ever come to something like that was when he'd invited Harry to attend his 500th deathday party. That hadn't gone very well at all.

"You're...you're inviting us to the ball?" Nick asked. He'd heard the headmaster say essentially just that not a moment earlier, but it seemed so unlikely that he simply had to ask.

Ryan frowned again. "Yes, I am, and as I said earlier, I had hoped the original invitation made that obvious. I admit I found it hard to believe one of my prefects when he suggested I talk to you four and clarify this with you, but it seems he was right to be concerned."

"I... I don't know what to say, Headmaster, except... thank you." Nick looked to the other ghosts, willing them to say something as well, but they seemed content to let him do all the talking and merely nodded their agreement. From what he'd been told, few of the living bothered to talk to them, and it seemed they'd mostly given up trying to open conversations with them. Perhaps this ball would go some way to changing that separation?

"There are still some arrangements to make, and I'm afraid not everything at the ball will suit our non-living guests, from what I've been told. Our ball committee will be in touch with you. Perhaps they can arrange to set up a separate buffet for you in a nearby classroom, for example..."

"Yes of course, delicately put headmaster. I assure you, the opportunity to attend and mingle will be more than enough of a privilege, but we'll be happy to work with the committee if there is anything we can do."

"Well then," said Ryan "I think that covers everything, and I look forward to seeing you at the ball.

"As do I," said Nick, and he and the others started to drift off.

Something occurred to Nick, and he turned back to ask a last question. He suspected he already knew the answer. "Headmaster, you mentioned that a prefect had encouraged you to speak with us?"

Ryan looked directly up at Nick. Given the conversation he'd had earlier with Amelia over dinner, he wasn't surprised at Nick's curiosity. "Yes, it was Harry."

"Ah, yes, I might have known. Thank you Headmaster. Good night."

Ryan watched Nick absorb the information and then leave along with the others. There was clearly something troubling Nick, but it was something he'd leave him to resolve himself.

~o~

**Chapter 4: Mutual problems.**

"Just the person I was trying to find!" Nick exclaimed happily the next day.

Harry turned looked over at Nick and smiled. "Good morning Sir Nicholas, how are you today?"

"I'm very well thank you Harry, although I would like to continue our conversation if you have some time."

"Sure, I've got a free period now, and my next class isn't until after lunch. The library then?" Harry suggested.

"That will do just fine. Shall we?" Nick extended his arm, gesturing for Harry to lead on.

"I must say Harry, I'm quite unsure how I can possibly apologise for my appalling behaviour yesterday," Nick began as they walked through the castle.

Harry chuckled "You must have mistaken me for someone else Sir Nicholas. I have no idea what you believe you are supposed to have done, but I don't feel offended." He interrupted as Nick started to list his many faults. "However, if you just want to give me a quick apology then it's no skin off my neck". He said the last with a grin.

"Well then I apolo... what?" Harry's turn of phrase had just registered and he gaped at him.

Harry started laughing. "Oh, the look on your face Sir Nicholas! Sorry, but you were getting way too serious. Besides, I've been waiting five years to find an excuse to say that to you."

He looked over at Sir Nicholas who was still staring at him. "I guess not too many people bother to try joking with you then?" he asked more soberly.

Nick just shook his head.

Harry sighed. "Well, I can't say I'm surprised, but I am sad to hear it. I should have made more of an effort to talk to you myself, I guess."

"What on earth for, Harry? Between your studies and friends - and now prefect duties, I've noticed you're quite busy already."

"Being busy is no excuse. You know as well as I that there have been a number of times, like that ridiculous 'heir of Slytherin' time and during the Tri-Wizard tournament when most of the school didn't want anything to do with me. I badly needed a friend then and you were very kind to treat me normally. I haven't forgotten what I owe you for that."

Nick made a sound as though clearing his throat. "Well, if it would make you more comfortable Harry, how about we call it even now?"

They reached the library and Harry took a seat at one of the more remote tables.

"Now about the ball..." Nick began

"Yes, good point!" Harry interrupted. "Who are you going to take?"

"Wha...what?" Nick stammered.

Harry rolled his eyes. "It's a ball Sir Nicholas, you're invited aren't you?"

"Yes I am, as you well know, having made sure the Headmaster personally invited us." Nick accused.

"Of course I did. To him it went without saying that you'd all be going, and he couldn't see what the fuss was all about. I had to talk fast to try and explain that you ghosts probably wouldn't see it that way. So anyway, have you thought of asking Helena?" Harry grinned

"How in the name of Merlin do you know the Gray Lady?" Nick asked, amazed.

Harry shrugged off the question. "I've got a good friend in Ravenclaw," he answered easily. "But there's something else I know about her that you might be interested in." He leaned forward with a conspiratorial whisper. "I've watched her looking at you."

Nick wondered how he was going to respond when it occurred to him that he was once again being diverted. He decided it was time to get back to his original objective, and this might just be the opening he needed.

"Has she really? How extraordinary. Well then Harry, It seems we _each_ have a task before us. We both have ladies in need of escorts to the ball, do we not?"

Harry sighed. He hadn't really expected to distract Nick again and had pulled his last 'ace' in desperation. Nothing for it but to answer Nick now, and hope he didn't die of embarrassment. "I don't know how," he confessed.

"Oh, I don't believe that for an instant," Nick replied. "You've had me dancing to your tune amazingly well since yesterday."

"It's different with you Sir Nicholas, and I have no problems talking with any of the other guys, or even the professors - well, most of the time anyway. But talking to girls..." He gestured helplessly. "I just feel the heat rushing to my face just thinking about talking to them, and it only gets worse the closer I get to them."

"Why is that Harry?"

Harry looked puzzled "What do you mean? I thought it was obvious, I'm shy around girls."

"But why?" Nick asked again.

"I don't understand." Harry replied.

Nick paused for a minute, thinking of the best way to help his young friend. "All right Harry, I'd like you to think of me as one of your professors for a minute, as though your blushing problem is just another topic for discussion in one of your classes. Can you do that?"

"I'm not sure... professor, but I can try" replied Harry

"All right then, we know what the problem is, so let's see if we can identify the likely cause of your reaction. For starters, would you agree that it is unlikely that all girls are releasing massive clouds of pheromones at your approach or casting _confundus_ charms at you personally? Because if you do, then it stands to reason that the reason you are blushing in their presence is almost completely due to your own mental state, not to something they are doing to you. Would you agree?"

Harry thought about it "I think I see what you're getting at. Go on."

"You don't sound too convinced. Tell me, do you have a sister Harry?" Nick asked.

"Not really, but Hermione's as good as." Harry replied.

"And do you blush when talking to her?" Nick asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well no, but she's my best friend isn't she?" Harry responded a little indignantly.

"Of course, but the point I wanted to make to you is that your blush response isn't for _all_ girls, only those that you might consider as potential girlfriends. Wouldn't you say?" Nick pressed.

"I hadn't really thought about it to be honest." Harry admitted "But that does sound reasonable... professor."

Nick smiled. "Good, so now let us try and narrow this down a little further. Can you think of anything that you might like to do with a girlfriend that you wouldn't do with one of your male friends?"

Harry's face immediately turned red, just as Nick had expected. "I see that you can," Nick said, smirking, before taking pity on him. "All right Harry, I don't mean to torture you, so how about I move to the summary and then you can let me know if you think I'm right?"

Harry nodded with some relief.

Nick adopted a no-nonsense tone, as though they were discussing the use of a particular spell or potion. "Well, I believe your problem is that you simply lack confidence in yourself. You blush when embarrassed because you have an unrealistic and unconscious expectation that you are somehow supposed to already know exactly what to say and do in any situation. And of course since you don't already know, you somehow think you'll respond in the worst possible way - leading to embarrassment."

"In other words, you lack confidence in your ability to respond appropriately in any situation that might develop." Nick concluded, and then watched as Harry tried to absorb what he'd just heard, and waited patiently for Harry's response.

He wasn't kept waiting long. "I'm not sure whether you're right or not, but you know, that does make a lot of sense to me, and it's as good a place to start as any. So professor, do you have any suggestions on how I might solve this problem?" Harry asked.

"Honestly Harry, I don't think there is anything you need to do. I think you're already 'solved' as it were, now that you understand what's going on." Nick replied, "All you need to do is remember that you are perfectly capable of thinking on your feet. Everything else will come with practice and experience. You don't expect to cast a new spell perfectly the first time do you?" he asked.

"No, of course not," Harry replied.

"Which is why you don't get embarrassed when you miscast a new spell. All you have to do is realise that nobody expects you to have perfect answers or perfect responses all the time, even girlfriends, and just do the best you can. I have complete confidence in you," Nick said, looking directly at him.

"Thanks Sir Nicholas, I appreciate your support," Harry said "You've given me a lot to think about."

"Well I hope you don't spend too much time thinking. In case you'd forgotten there is a ball to be held, and unless you want to risk the possibility of your young lady accepting someone else's invitation, you'd better ask her soon."

"But..." Harry began.

Nick interrupted "There are no buts about it young Gryffindor. Simply harness your courage and just ask her. If she says no, then you're no worse off than you were before, so you really don't have anything to lose."

"I see your point." Harry sighed. "I suppose I've always understood that, but the idea of rejection just seemed so..."

"Painful?" Nick offered. "Look, I could talk about other fish in the sea, but I think you already know that. But do try to keep in mind that even a 'no' reply doesn't mean 'no' forever. It just means that you might need to work at letting her get to know you better before trying again."

Harry nodded, deep in thought.

"Well Harry, I'd say that it's time you headed off to lunch. You do remember our deal don't you?" Nick asked

"What deal?" Harry asked confused.

"We each need to ask our prospective dates to the ball," Nick reminded him "So if you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to take my own advice and see if I can find Helena before the Bloody Baron does. Good day to you Harry, and good luck."

"Thanks Sir Nicholas, you too," Harry responded, and watched as his friend drifted away.

He sat thinking about what Nick had said for a while before his stomach reminded him that he was missing lunch. He chuckled and took off for the great hall. The good thing about mealtimes is that you were almost guaranteed to find all of the students there, and there was one in particular that he needed to speak to.

~o~

**Chapter 5 (Epilogue): Having a Ball**

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington was having a particularly good evening, as he glided with his date around the dance floor. Noticing his favourite Gryffindor, he manoeuvred them alongside. "Ah, Mr Potter, Miss Bones, how are you both this evening?" he asked.

"Couldn't be better, Sir Nicholas, I'm having a ball," Harry replied with a wink, before turning to Nick's dance partner. "Miss Ravenclaw, I hope you are enjoying yourself as well?" he asked

"Very much. It has been such a long time... Nick's told me that we have you to thank for it, as well," she said.

Harry's date gave him a questioning look, so Helena answered for him and spoke to her directly. "He was kind enough to ask the headmaster to invite us personally. We had assumed the ball was only intended for the living up until then."

"I see," Susan said thoughtfully, giving Harry an appraising look "So how did a loyal, caring Hufflepuff like you get sorted into Gryffindor?" she teased.

"Really, Miss Bones, you're welcome to borrow my young Gryffindor, but I'd rather you didn't try to steal him away from us completely," Nick said with some amusement.

She laughed along with the others, and they continued dancing as the band played on.

When the band took a break a few songs later, the Headmaster stood and addressed the hall.

"I trust everyone is having a truly splendid evening, but I'd like to take a moment of your time for a brief announcement. Sir Nicholas, would you come up here please?" Ryan asked.

Confused, Nick drifted to the front of the hall accompanied by Helena, who then waited nearby once he reached the headmaster.

The headmaster gestured towards the doors, and everyone turned to see an enormous cake being levitated in by Dobby.

"Happy 503rd deathday Sir Nicholas!" Ryan announced to the hall.

As the crowd applauded and cheered, Nick decided it really was one of the best evenings he'd ever had.

_End.  
_

Author's Notes:

This story was originally written for the inaugural (2007) Halloween Ball fic contest on potterficforum. With a little bit of work though, I've modified it to be a more traditional Harry story. I'm not all that happy with it, but other than _Bane_, this was my only other story before starting _Thoughts of Pudding_ about 9 months later in July 2008. (September 2009 addendum; 'Nope, still not all that happy with it!')

The original contest guidelines were to keep the story to 5,000 words, something I had difficulty in doing. So, that word limit is mainly to blame for the rather unsatisfying epilogue. Who knows, one day I might use some of this in a longer 'real' Harry/Susan fic.

Before anyone comments on Harry being a prefect, think about it. Albus was the one that decided Harry had too much to be getting on with, and since he's not there, Harry gets the badge he deserved.

Many thanks to Scott from potterficforum for beta editing the original story - any mistakes left are my fault.


	3. What if Snape Taught Literature at Brown

There I was, reading some forum posts about Emma studying at Brown, and a thought (along with this short drabble) occurred to me..

_What if Snape Taught Literature at Brown?_

. . .

"Ah, Yes, Emma Watson. Our new--celebrity."

"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of wordsmithing. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the written word with its shimmering adjectives, the delicate power of prose that creeps through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses... I can teach you how to spell-check fame, type glory, even publish your way to immortality--if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach.

"Watson! What would I get if I added Hermione Granger to a romantic fanfiction story with Draco Malfoy?"

"I don't know, sir"

"Tut, tut--fame clearly isn't everything."

"Let's try again. Watson, where would you look if I told you to find me the biggest source of Fanfiction on the internet?"

"I don't know, sir."

"Thought you wouldn't read a story before coming, eh, Watson?"

"What is the difference, Watson, between Harmony and Pumpkin Pie?"

"I don't know, I think Evanna does, though, why don't you try her?"

"For your information, Watson, Hermione and Draco make a fanfic ship known as 'Dramione'. Fanfiction of all varieties can be found at fanfiction dot net and includes over 400,000 Harry potter fanfics. As for Harmony and Pumpkin Pie they are the same ship, which also can be found on Portkey. Well? Why aren't you all copying that down?"

. . .


	4. Something Completely Different

_I'm sure that like me, every now and again you'll wonder why some scenes in canon went the way they did. Also like me, I'm sure you've also come up with some ideas on how things could be different - perhaps influenced by other things you've seen or read?_

_In any case, I'm sure the following collection of unrelated scenes would never be found in canon..._

_Disclaimer: Not only do I not own Harry Potter, I also don't own Red Dwarf, Monty Python, The Princess Bride, The Court Jester, 'Allo 'Allo, Lord of the Rings or a certain brand of chocolate._

. . .

_(Just another day in Potions class...)_

Harry: Excuse me professor, but your chalk is smudged a bit, is that 11 or 17 clockwise stirs before adding the lacewing flies?

Snape: 10 points from Gryff-

Harry: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the professor!

Snape: Idiot boy! I'm the professor teaching you potions!

Harry: No, Professor _Blackboard_ is teaching us potions!

Snape: It's just a blackboard you idiot, Another 10 points from Gryff-

Harry: So what have you taught us then? How to handle our knives? How to slice ingredients? Why certain potion ingredients react a certain way? Anything... anything at all that we can't just as easily read in a book, or on _Professor Blackboard_?

Snape: I... that's...

Harry: I'll just look up the correct number of stirs in the book shall I? Unless you actually know?

Snape: Well...

Harry: Thought so! No wonder you copy the instructions from the book onto a blackboard. 10 points from the professors for being a dunderhead!

. . .

_(Harry gets some feedback on his Divination OWL result)_

Ron: So, how'd you manage to fail Divination then?

Harry: Bloody Trelawney! I mean, I knew I was taking a chance with the two prophecies I used but... Here, look at the comments she wrote!

_Trelawney: "My poor, dear boy, I'm afraid it is all too clear to me that you simply don't have the inner eye at all. Your first dream beginning; 'IT WILL HAPPEN TONIGHT' is far too specific for a real prophecy. Your other example starting; "THE ONE WITH THE POWER TO VANQUISH THE DARK LORD APPROACHES" is obscure enough, I grant you, but I see it for what it is... just some made up old rubbish like all your homework."_

Harry: Rotten old bat.

Ron: I concur.

. . .

_(What if Harry started living up to his heritage?)_

Albus: Well, Harry, thank you for your time. Can I offer you a lemon drop before you go

Harry: No thank you, sir. I prefer my chocolate. Would you like some? It's Muggle chocolate.

Albus: Thank you Harry, I believe I will.

Harry: Here, take the rest, I've got plenty and can always get more.

Albus: Most kind of you, Harry. Please help yourself to some lemon drops in exchange.

Harry: Goodbye, sir

Albus: Goodnight, Harry. And thank you for the chocolate.

_(Later...)_

Gred and Forge: So what did you want to talk to us about?

Harry: Have I ever told you about Ex-Lax?

. . .

_(What if Harry decided turnabout was fair play against his stalker?)_

Demelza: It looks like you've got an admirer! where did you get the chocolates?

Romilda: I don't know! Let me check... (SQUEEEEE) They're from Harry!!

Demelza: They're not! Really?

Romilda: ...and they taste simply divine! In fact, they probably taste as yummy as Ron's lips would. Do you know Ron?

. . .

_(If you've never watched Red Dwarf, skip this one as it won't make sense)_

Severus: You wanted to see me, Headmaster? I assume it was about those points I took from that arrogant Gryffindor for breathing too loudly?

Albus: Severus, you are a smeeeee..

Snape: A what?

Albus: A smeeeee... a smeeeeeeeeg heeeeeeeeeeead

Snape: A smeeeeeeeeg heeeeeeeeeeead?

Albus: A complete and total one!

. . .

_(Albus tells Harry abut the Horcruxes...)_

Harry: Horcruxes, Sir?

Albus: Yes, Harry. The diary you destroyed in the chamber was one. Very little is known about them. It took me a long time to find any books at all that gave any hint of what they could do.

Harry: But you did find one? A book I mean?

Albus: Oh, yes. And I learned from it how to destroy them!

Harry: That's wonderful! So how do we do it?

Albus: It seems when you find them, you'll have to take them to Mount Doom in Mordor, then throw them into the lava.

Harry: ...

Albus: Yes, it is hard to believe, I know.

Harry: You're joking right?

Albus: Harry, it is a dangerous journey. It seems in the past, that the Dark Lord Sauron made many Horcruxes, and gave them to his servants. There were nine for mortal men alone!

Harry: I can't believe I skipped snogging for this...

Albus: Harry, we're going to have to assemble a fellowship.

Harry: Right, good thinking, you do that and I'll go.. err, prepare. (mutters) _I can't wait to tell Hermione this one, she's gonna laugh til she pees..._

. . .

_(Surely there were easier ways to get Potter to the graveyard than entering him in the tournament?)_

Moody: ...only one person ever survived the killing curse, and he's sitting in this room!

Moody: Potter stay back after class.

_(Later...)_

Potter: What did you want to see me about?

Moody: Take a look at this.

Potter: What is it? (reaches for object, disappears)

Moody: (mutters) a Portkey

Moody: (Grabs another Portkey, disappears)

_(or perhaps even...)_

_Malfoy: Granger, they're after Muggles, D'you want to be showing off your knickers in midair? Because if you do, hang around... they're moving this way, and it would give us all a laugh._

_Harry: Hermione's a witch_

_Malfoy: Have it your own way, Potter. If you think they can't spot a Mudblood, stay where you are. _Here, catch!

Potter: (catches object then disappears)

Ron: Where did he go, Malfoy?

. . .

_(What do you get when you cross Harry Potter with The Court Jester and the Princess Bride?)_

Draco: That's it Potter! I challenge you to a midnight duel!

Harry: Hardly! I'll be busy sleeping! Let's make it an hour from now.. unless you're too cowardly that is?

Draco: I'll be there, Potter!

_(Later...)_

Draco: Did you do it?

Pansy: Yes. Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once. The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle. The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true..

Draco: The pellet with the pestle's in the palace with the..? What?

Pansy: The pellet with the… Oh, just drink from the chalice, Malfoy!

_(Later...)_

Draco: Ha Ha! I fooled you! You should never have.. Urk!

Pansy: What? How did you...?

Harry: I've been building up a resistance to Iocane pellets.. I made sure to slip one in both cups..

. . .

_(What happens when Vernon finally gets sent to Azkaban as he deserves?)_

Vernon: Ow!

Chained prisoner (Bellatrix): You lucky, lucky, ba-

Vernon: What? What are they going to do to me?

Bella: Oh, you'll probably get away with the Cruciatus

Vernon: Cruci-whatsis?

Bella: Yeah, first offence. Best thing the Dark Lord's ever done for us.. Oh yeah, if we didn't have the Cruciatus, this country'd be in a right bloody mess.

Vernon: Guard!

Bella: Curse 'em up I say!

Vernon: Guard!

Bella: Curse some sense into 'em!

Guard: Whaddya want?

Vernon: I want you to move me to another cell away from this freak!

Guard: Hah! _Crucio!_

Bella: Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism!

Guard: Shaddup you!

Bella: Sorry!


	5. A Double Fistful of Drabbles

_Author's Note: I think I've probably mentioned a time or two that I like to spend some time on potterficforum, and one of the things I enjoy doing there is competing in the drabble game. I even win some points for my house from time to time. The real fun though is in trying to write a story around the topic chosen._

The collection of drabbles below are some of my entries, and in case it isn't obvious, they are all separate and completely unrelated to each other.

. . .

_**#1: Christmas.  
**_  
"Harry? What are you still doing here?" Kingsley asked, his face a mixture of concern and exasperation.

"Just getting the paperwork done, boss. I've tried charming the arrest record forms, but guess what, they still won't fill themselves out." Harry replied with a grin, but Kingsley noticed it didn't reach his eyes.

"Harry, it's Christmas eve. Go home!"

"You're still here." Harry pointed out.

Kingsley nodded, "that's right, but as soon as I can kick out the last of my aurors, I'm leaving. Now get the hell out of here before I have to lock you up for arguing with the Minister of Magic."

"Alright boss, you win. Just give me a couple of minutes to pack this up and I'll go."

Kingsley nodded and waited a moment to see that Harry really was getting ready to go before exchanging 'Merry Christmases' with him and wandering off.

Harry locked away the last of his files and then apparated home. After arriving in the living room at Number 12 Grimmauld Place, he shrugged off his cloak and threw it over the back of a sofa.

He'd barely had time to take a seat in a lounge chair near the fireplace, when Kreacher handed him a mug of eggnog, bowed, and then silently left.

Harry sipped occassionally from the mug, more out of reflex than thirst though, as he stared at the decorated fir tree in the corner of the room. A tear worked its way down his face unnoticed.

A few hours later, Kreacher covered his sleeping master with a blanket, then sat crosslegged on the rug in front of the fire watching him.

. . .

_**#2: Dragons.  
**_  
Hermione had searched Hogwarts from top to bottom, and still hadn't found Harry. He wasn't at the Quidditch pitch, wasn't visiting Hagrid or any of the other teachers, and most definitely wasn't in Gryffindor tower. He wasn't even sitting by the lake under his invisibility cloak as that was still in his trunk. She visited Hedwig in the owlery, but if his familiar had seen him, she didn't let her know, just nibbled gently on her fingers in appreciation of the visit and attention.

Finally giving up her search, she entered the library. She might as well see if she could find anything else about tri-wizard tournament tasks, and what the champions might have to-

"Harry? I've been looking _everywhere_ for you! Why are you hiding in here?" she demanded. In her frustration at having spent the morning traipsing all over Hogwarts and the grounds, she'd ignored the half dozen books scattered around him on the table.

Harry winced at her tone. Hermione on a rant wasn't something he really wanted to deal with this morning, especially given the lack of sleep he'd had last night.

"I didn't know you were looking for me, and I'm not hiding. I'm reading."

Hermione finally noticed the books surrounding Harry, and after looking at the titles and drawing a conclusion about what exactly he was reading about she gasped.

"Harry, w-why are you reading about.. about _dragons_? Is.. is.." Hermione trailed off, unable to voice the fear building inside her.

Harry looked at her, unsurprised that she could so quickly come to the right conclusion, and nodded.

Hermione's eyes glistened, and she blinked rapidly as she tried to compose herself.

Clearing her throat she took a deep breath. "Well then, we'd best start looking up what to do then, hadn't we?" and with that, she dropped down into a seat next to Harry and pulled over the closest book.

. . .

_**#3: Ravenclaws.  
**_  
Harry watched as Luna skipped off to the leaving feast in search of pudding. He appreciated her words about meeting up with Sirius again, and took comfort from the thought that perhaps his godfather wasn't completely lost to him.

As he turned to trudge back to the Gryffindor tower, his eyes skimmed past Luna's notice, before he stopped and looked at it in disbelief. Reading it was somehow different to having Luna tell him about it. This was more... unforgiving.

Ravenclaws. They were supposed to be the house of the intelligent and thoughtful, and yet they did this to a lonely girl? What could she possibly have done to them?

He thought of Professor Flitwick and wondered how such a kind man could have allowed such things to happen. Didn't he know what occurred in his own house? There must have been some students that saw what was going on that weren't part of the bullying against Luna, and at least one of them would have said something? Wasn't there at least one person in her house willing to help her?

_'Bugger it!'_ Harry thought angrily, before he snatched the note off the wall in righteous indignation and then set off in search of the charms master.

It was past time the man learned what was going on in his house and did something about it!

. . .

_**#4: DA outtakes.**_

"_Stupefy! Stupefy!_ Oh, why won't this work?" Romilda hissed in frustration.

"Your pronunciation is fine, You just need to smooth out your wand motion and keep it even. Try again. You'll get it soon." Luna encouraged the fifth year Gryffindor.

"I don't need _your_ help, Loony!" the ungrateful girl snarled back. Looking over at Nevile she called out to him for help.

Luna turned back to her own practice without reacting, her face expressionless.

Neville walked over to Romilda. "Show me what you're doing," he told her.

"_Stupefy!_ See! I don't know what I'm doing wrong! Can you help me?"

"Your pronunciation is fine, You just need to smooth out your wand motion and keep it even," Neville advised her.

Romilda's took a step back at the tone Neville used. "I... Ummm. Well, that is... Thanks." She said softly, embarrassed.

Neville stepped closer and lowered his voice so that only she could hear. "Luna is one of the most dedicated DA members here. Whether you like her or not, she will fight for you and for any of us, even against the Carrows. Maybe you should think about that."

Romilda watched thoughtfully as Neville turned and walked away, and then she walked the few steps over to where Luna stood.

"Umm, Luna? Could you show me that wand motion please?" She asked.

"Of course. But I think you've got the movement right, it's just your speed is a little up and down. Keep a smooth, even pace, like this..."

. . .

_**#5: Scenes from the teacher's lounge  
**_  
Severus stepped into the teacher's lounge with his copy of _Brewer's Monthly_ tucked under his arm. The first week of term was always the hardest to deal with, however this morning had been a bright moment that he would savour for a month. Well, a week perhaps, until the next first year Potions class with the Slytherins and Griffindors.

"Ahh, Severus, there you are. Come and join us."

He looked over to see Minerva, Pomona, Filius and Poppy sitting in sofas around a low coffee table. Pomona's voice had its usual cheerful tone but the look in her eyes seemed almost... predatory.

"Perhaps... another time?" he replied, silkily giving his magazine a wave as explanation.

"Nonsense, Severus. Bring your tea and you can help us in our discussion." Minerva replied, and Severus realised he wasn't going to be left in peace to read.

Taking a seat alongside Filius, he took a small sip of his tea and hoped that whetever discussion ensued would be over before hs cup was empty. But perhaps, when it was empty he could-

"We were just discussing our favourite subjects," Minerva began, before leaning forward and looking directly at him. "Tell me, Severus, what is the first principal exception to Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration?"

Severus frowned. He hadn't had to worry about Gamp's laws since he completed his NEWTs. Was that the one about the ratio of magical energy required to adjust the mass of the object being transfigured? "I don't know, Minerva."

"Tut tut, Severus. Potion mastery _clearly isn't everything_," she said, and with her phrasing Severus realised the purpose of this... gathering.

"Well then, Severus," Pomona interjected before he could reply. "Perhaps you could tell us how to harvest a-"

As Pomona leaned forward to ask her question, she knocked her tea cup over, spilling it and the contents onto the floor.

"Severus!" Filius called sharply. "Why didn't you warn Pomona before she knocked her tea over? Thought it would be amusing did you?"

Before he could respond, Poppy asked a question. "Tell me, Severus. How long does the pain last should a a mis-brewed boil curing potion come in contact with bare skin?"

Severus paused a moment and frowned before answering. He knew the answer but hadn't thought about it until asked the question. "The pain continues until treatment is provided. It lessens significantly after the potion is removed from the skin, and is barely noticeable after taking a healing draught."

"Quite correct. So what is the approprate first aid treatment, Severus?" Poppy demanded, her usually kindly face now red and enraged.

Severus closed his eyes. "Flush the affected area as soon as possible with water to dilute and remove the potion."

"And do you happen to recall the charm for summoning water?" Filius asked.

"Aguamenti," Severus replied softly, realising now that this wasn't about them protecting Potter. He had allowed a child to suffer unnecessarily. This would require some thought.

When he opened his eyes again. The others had already left, and he was alone in the loungeroom.

It was a while before he left, and his magazine remained behind, forgotten and unread.

. . .

_**#6: Cold  
**_  
As Harry walked into the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place looking for breakfast, he took in the unusual scene in front of him.

All of the younger guests of the house, as well as a couple of the older ones, were staring at Tonks with open amusement on their faces.

Tonks herself didn't seem to be at all amused. She was mostly slumped over the table clutching a hanky and making small sniffling sounds.

_'Tonks is sick and that is somehow funny?'_ Harry thought to himself as he started to become a little irate at his friends for their lack of concern for the quirky metamorph.

Fred, picking up Harry's mood from his expression, decided to get in first with a little explanation. "Harry, it sn't what you think, it's just-"

He was interupted as Tonks started trying to hold back a sneeze. As she did, all of the other occupants perked up and stared intently at her.

"Ahh... Ahh... Ahh..."

Confused, Harry followed their gazes and saw Tonks' face for the first time as she lifted her head from the table in preparation for her sneeze, hanky at the ready.

"...CHOOOO!"

As she sneezed, her hair lengthened and stood straight out from her head as though she'd stuck her finger in a light socket and then cycled through all colours of the rainbow. As the sneeze ended, it curled into a giant afro before slowly returning to her normal pink spiky haired look.

Harry tried to hold in his laughter as hard as he could, but a grunt managed to escape him and Tonks looked up at him bleary eyed and red nosed. "Oh, just let it out, Harry. It is a bit funny after all." She gave him a small smile before slumping back down and putting her head back on her arms on the table.

Harry guiltily let out a few laughs that joined in with the others around the table as Molly came up to Tonks with a cup of something that had a light orange smoke curling out of it.

. . .

_**#7: Bedtime Stories  
**_  
Harry looked around the cozy living room and saw his young daughter starting to nod off while playing on the rug. Unfortunately, bedtimes were still seen as a punishment by the girl instead of the normal end to a day. He sighed as he wondered how he was going to accomplish the task without tears this evening.

He felt his wife squeeze his hand from where she sat next to him, and when he looked up she smiled warmly at him. He knew that this particular smile meant that she knew what he'd been thinking and had a solution. She turned to their daughter and spoke with a light and almost excited tone that implied fun and games.

"Come on, Leeny. If you change into your nightie quickly and hop into bed, I'll tell you the story of how the Snorkack's horn got all crumpled!"

The girl's eyes blinked rapidly a couple of times as though dispelling the drooping they'd been doing earlier. Without a sound she hopped up and dashed off to her bedroom as fast as her little legs could carry her, grinning all the way.

As Luna got up to tell the promised bedtime story, Harry recaptured her hand and she looked back at him.

As Harry climbed to his feet to follow her he grinned. "Hey, Selene's not the only one that likes that tale."

. . .

_**#8: Whomping Willow.  
**_  
The little blue bird flew happily around the scottish highlands. It was finally spring, and springtime meant looking for a mate, building a nest, eggs, and then finally hatchlings. This was life for the bird and it was truly wondrous.

As the bird flew, dancing in the wind, and through the flowers, it startled an insect that unwisely took off the leaf it had been resting on. All too soon it became a midmorning snack for the bird that gave no thought to the insect's own future plans for young of its own.

As the bird flew on looking for a good nesting site, it flew through a dark place that was full of _hard_ and _grey_ that it didn't understand. After all, what were walls to a bird? It started to become cold, and so it beat its wings faster and faster, trying to escape all the grey back into the sun and warmth.

Flying out into the open again, it flew above the rocks and grass and continued searching for a new home. Joy! Pleasure! _A __tree__!_ A lone tree stood proudly ahead, and the bird flew with renewed energy as it spied what it saw as its future home.

The blue bird noticed that the branches moved through the air lazily, as though blown by a wind. Did the tree remember a wind, as there was none blowing now? There was just the warm spring breeze that carried the promise of a home and a mate and eggs.

And now the bird had found a tree that would become a home, and it couldn't contain itself any longer and broke into a melodic song.

A branch suddenly whipped in front of the bird, narrowly missing it and the bird fluttered silently in confusion, flapping its wings nervously with no clear direction in mind as it contemplated its near death experience.

When no further branches came close, the bird flew quietly from branch to branch, seeking the ideal nesting spot.

The Whomping Willow relaxed as it appeared its new tenant understood the rules: _You can stay as long as you keep the damn noise down!_

. . .

_**#9: Sage.  
**_  
_[Introduction f__rom Harry Potter and the Philosopher's/Sorceror's Stone, by JK Rowling]_

"The forest?" he repeated, and he didn't sound quite as cool as usual. "We can't go in there at night--there's all sorts of things in there--werewolves, I heard."

Neville clutched the sleeve of Harry's robe and made a choking noise.

"That's your problem, isn't it?" said Filch, his voice cracking with glee. "Should've thought of them werewolves before you got in trouble, shouldn't you?"

Hagrid came striding toward them out of the dark, Fang at his heel. He was carrying his large crossbow, and a quiver of arrows hung over his shoulder.

"Abou' time," he said. "I bin waitin' fer half an hour already. All right, Harry, Hermione?"

"Hagrid! Thank goodness you're here. Mr Filch has been telling us we need to do detention in the forest, and we were starting to get worried that it was true." Hermione said, barely stopping for breath in her rush to get the words out.

"Well, 'e's right abou' that I'm afraid. But e's got no business trying to scare you lot!" Hagrid had bent down and given Hermione a kindly expression as he spoke to her, but as he turned to look at Filch he straightened up and glowered at him fiercely.

After exchanging heated words with Filch until the bitter old caretaker stomped off, Hagrid then got into an argument with Malfoy about their detention. Harry listened half enjoying Malfoy getting taken down a peg or two by Hagrid, before he realised that he had a point.

"Err, Hagrid. We're not really going into the forest are we?" Harry asked.

Hagrid frowned at him in confusion. "Well, o' course we are. Wha' 'ave I jus' been sayin'?"

"But Hagrid, there must be a mistake. The headmaster told us that the forest was forbidden to all students. We've been given detention for breaking the rules, and the detention is breaking MORE rules? That doesn't make any sense at all." Hermione said.

Harry nodded and added a thought of his own that he thought Hermione would have mentioned first. "Besides Hagrid, exams are just a few days away. Does it make sense to you that students should be kept awake all night as a punishment? We should be getting our sleep or studying."

Hermione nodded approvingly at Harry's comment. "Not to mention that Hogwarts has a duty to protect the children in its care. How could any adult possibly justify sending children into a dangerous forest where unicorns are being killed?"

"Is this really the punishment Professor McGonagall set for us, Hagrid? You know she's already taken 50 points off of us as well. This seems a bit much for breaking curfew." Harry added.

"Here now, 'taint your place to be questionin' the perfessors." Hagrid said, finally finding something he could respond to.

"So it was her idea then?" Harry pressed.

"Well, p'raps she don' know all the details like, but she did assign yeh all to me for detention."

"Hagrid, I think we should all go back to the castle to check with Professor McGonagall. Perhaps there has been a... a misunderstanding. We wouldn't want you to get in any trouble over this," Hermione said.

Hagrid sighed and nodded before gesturing for them to head back to the castle.

When it became obvious to Malfoy that they weren't going into the forest after all, his arrogance returned and he started muttering about what he was going to tell his father.

"Oh, stuff it, Malfoy! It's all your fault we're out here anyway. If it wasn't for you trying to cause trouble, we wouldn't have lost all those points and we wouldn't be out here freezing. Maybe you should spend more time focussing on what you should be doing as a student instead of always picking on others."

"Sage advice, Harry," Hermione said approvingly.

"Speakin' o' which - Malfoy, get back on the path and stop walkin' through me herb garden, or I'll be asking the perfessor ter take more points off yeh!"

. . .

_**#10: The Strangest Ship.  
**_  
"Draky-poo, what's wrong, you seem very distant today."

"Sorry Pansy. It's just... I don't know what to do!" he wailed.

Pansy was used to his histrionics and just patted his back to calm him down. It usually worked if you showed you were paying attention.

"Oh, Draco, I'm sure it's not all that bad. Tell me what's wrong."

"Well... I... I think I've fallen in love with a Gryffindor."

"WHAT?!?" Pansy screeched, before pushing him away from her and off the sofa they'd been sitting on. "How COULD you do that to me?"

"I didn't mean to. I was just sitting there eating some chocolates she gave me, and I couldn't help but realise how blind I'd been not to see her before. Don't you think Romilda Malfoy has a nice ring to it?"

Pansy just let out an enraged shriek and smacked him on the back of the head as she stalked past and out of the Slytherin common room.

"Well, that went well." Draco mused, before going back to daydreams of his new love.

. . .


	6. The Trouble with Horcruxes

__

__

**The Trouble with Horcruxes  
**

By Brian64

. . .

Harry sat in his room at Privet Drive, and stared at the letter he'd just read. The Dark Mark that writhed at the top of the parchment authenticated the author as far as he was concerned, but the contents... The contents he found hard to believe, yet...

Shaking his head, he decided to read it again.

____

_Dear Harry,  
_

_Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.  
_

_I imagine you are almost as surprised to be reading this letter as I was to have to write it. I'm sure that it would come as no surprise to you that I'd rather be cursing you than writing to you. How much more surprising then, that I am asking for your help – help which I believe you will gladly agree to give me once you've finished reading this letter.  
_

_I think now you see why I asked if you were sitting? Perhaps I should start with some background?  
_

_During my attempt to possess you last month during that unfortunate Ministry battle, I was left with many of your memories. Memories, which I readily confess I've been working my way through looking for weaknesses. My, my, you have had an interesting Hogwarts experience, haven't you? But I'm digressing, so we'll get back to that later.  
_

_To get to the point, your adventure in the Chamber of Secrets should never have happened. That diary was never intended to do what it did, and therein lays the problem.  
_

_But it's not just a problem for me; it's a problem for you as well. In fact, I'd say that it's a problem for the entire world.  
_

_Tell me, Harry, if the Wizarding world thinks one Lord Voldemort is bad enough, what do you think of having two of us around?  
_

_You see, that diary contained a piece of my soul, and it was only supposed to anchor me to the earth to prevent me from truly dying. It was never meant to try finding a body of its own!  
_

_Ah, Harry, I can imagine what you are thinking now: "But if the diary is destroyed, then what is the problem?" Am I right?  
_

_The problem is that the diary wasn't the only Horcrux I created. Now just imagine what would happen if my other Horcruxes were able to find their own bodies as my diary almost managed to do?  
_

_I have imagined it. And quite frankly, I have no intention of sharing power with anyone, including any other versions of me. Doubtless my other self, or selves, would feel exactly the same way, and we would recognise each other as the greatest challenge to our rule. Can you imagine the destruction we would cause fighting ourselves? Well, while I'm sure you may smile at the idea, however the reality is that while we would almost certainly thin out the number of Death Eaters, most of our cannon fodder would be regular people under the Imperius curse.  
_

_Now that you have the background, pay attention, Harry, because I have a task for you.  
_

_Yes, I'm sure you would rather not do anything to help me, but in this case you are helping yourself and everyone else. As for why I'm asking you instead of Dumbledore, who says I'm not?  
_

_Well, as it happens, I'm not. That senile old meddler would probably try to redeem the souls in the Horcruxes if he could, rather than destroy them, and I'm not prepared to take the chance of that happening.  
_

_You may be wondering why I don't ask my own people to find them. The simple answer is that they may try to activate the Horcruxes themselves. I know you have no interest in trying to resurrect a Dark Lord, however my people may find themselves almost compelled to do so if a recovered Horcrux begins to awaken before they can get it back to me.  
_

_So here is your new quest – the search for my Horcruxes.  
_

_There is a Horcrux in Hufflepuff's cup, which should be stored in the LeStrange vault in Gringotts. Even if I did trust them to destroy it, as escaped prisoners, they can hardly just wander in and retrieve it, now can they? Oh, do be careful of the curses on the vault's contents, won't you?  
_

_There is another Horcrux in Slytherin's ring, which used to be hidden in my mother's old house – the Gaunt shack in Little Hangleton. I suspect Dumbledore may have found it, and he is probably trying to work out how to remove the Horcrux without destroying the ring itself. He's wasting his time. There isn't a way, though it'll probably take him a year or two to come to that conclusion. Do I need to tell you to avoid the compulsion to wear the ring? To do so would prove fatal.  
_

_There is another in Slytherin's locket, however when I went to retrieve it I found a fake locket in its place. The note inside says that the original was stolen by Regulus Black. I suggest you start your search at his old house. Sirius died without any children so as his godson you are quite likely his heir. If so, then you should be able to summon his elf and order it to find the locket for you.  
_

_The last, and one of the easiest Horcruxes for you to find, is Ravenclaw's diadem. It is hidden inside the room of requirements at Hogwarts, and you will need to think of a place to hide a Horcrux when you call for the room. Finding the diadem amongst all of the junk may be a little harder, but if you can summon a broom several miles, or should I say, kilometres now, to outfly a dragon, then I doubt you'll have any problem simply summoning the diadem.  
_

_Since you've already destroyed the diary, and I've, regretfully, now destroyed Nagini, destroying these four Horcruxes should take care of our mutual problem. Once they're gone we can go back to trying to kill each other if you want. Or should I say, you can go back to trying, and I'll simply kill you when you do.  
_

_Perhaps I should make myself clearer, since I doubt you picked up the subtlety of my last comment. Destroy these Horcruxes, and I will grant you, and some of your friends, a degree of immunity. If you - and they of course - do nothing to oppose me, then I will see that you (and they) are left alone.  
_

_This offer is valid only as long as you destroy at least one Horcrux, and then send it to me as proof. If I do manage to get to them all first, then the deal is off.  
_

_Feel free to discuss this with anyone you like, including the great manipulator, but heed this warning. Do you really believe he is on your side? Consider your life so far, Harry, and ask yourself why you have had to go through so much? Oh yes, I did start it by killing your parents, but the Dursleys, and most of the other things you've needed to endure have been caused by Dumbledore. Don't take my word for it, simply look back over the events, as I did, and see it for yourself.  
_

_Do try not to let yourself be killed on the quest. You can't complete it if you are dead. So for now, I suggest you avoid any Death Eaters, as I have ordered them to avoid you – for now. Remember not to use any Horcruxes you find. Drinking from the cup, or wearing the ring, locket or diadem will have consequences.  
_

_You will keep me informed of your progress. Fail to make progress and I shall ensure my frustration will be extremely painful – for you and your friends.  
_

_Voldemort  
_

_The Dark Lord_

. . .

A/N: This plot bunny attacked me after a discussion on Caer Azkaban.


	7. Nym's Diary

**Nym's Diary**

**by Brian64**

Note: I've taken the idea of Tonks being able to pick up what males want from her from contact from "Scion of Gryffindor" by Crys. You should be able to find it on the fanficauthors website. It's my second favourite Honks fic, and you'll also be able to find my favourite (by Lorddwar) on the same site.

I'm fairly sure I want to continue this one at some stage, so don't be too surprised if it ends up being posted as its own story some time in the future. At the moment though I'd like to focus on Thoughts of Pudding.

~o~

Chapter 1: The Plan

_5 June 1998_

_Dear Diary,_

_I know we haven't spoken for a while, but I thought I should let you know that it's official. I've managed to join the majority of the female population and have fallen in love with Harry Potter._

_Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking, and we both know what I think of that whole 'love' idea, don't we? Men are basically pigs, and almost without exception every time I've shaken hands with one I've picked up what they want. As if it wasn't bad enough that I can change into whatever fantasy they're thinking of, my stupid ability has to go and let me know what it is they want! How is that fair?_

_Oh sure, there are plenty of guys that barely give me a second thought, so I only get a slight twinge, but they're usually the ones that are already in relationships or not interested in looking for one. In other words; of no use to me at all._

_Do I even need to mention who the exception is?_

_I think I started falling for him when I first met him. Of course he was only 15 at the time, so I didn't give it much thought. Alright, alright… so I did give it some thought, but give me a break – he was different! What 15 year old isn't thinking about sex a million times a day? Especially when they are in the presence of their preferred gender? I know I was – well, right up until I actually stopped looking at guys from afar and actually found out what they were like from brushing a hand against them in passing._

_It didn't take long to work out what was going on and not much longer after that to decide (surprisingly) that I had more self-respect than to be some guy's plaything, no matter how cute they might be. Of course, if it wasn't for my ability to morph my own fingers I'm not sure how long that decision to write off men would have lasted. _

_But getting back to the point, when I brushed against Harry accidentally I got nothing! Not one little twinge to say that he'd prefer my arse to be bigger, or my tits to be double D's or my nose to be smaller, or my lips fuller, or my… well, you get the picture._

_At the time I thought he must have iron-clad Occlumency shields or was gay, but I found out later he didn't have a clue about Occlumency, and definitely only liked girls._

_So here we are, two years later, with Voldemort finally dealt with, and Harry Hotter looking better than ever, and I'm still not getting any twinges from any contact with him._

_I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't find me attractive, and I have to say that was a very bitter potion to swallow. The only guy I would consider, and he isn't considering me. Damn you irony! Didn't you get enough entertainment from me by giving me the morphing talent and the sting in the tail that came with it?_

_So, diary, I've come to the conclusion that I have to make some choices. Firstly, do I stay celibate my whole life? Nope, my biological clock has started ticking again now that Voldy's gone and I can't impregnate myself. At least, I don't think– Nope, not going there._

_Second choice; I could ignore my thoughts on the subject and just start shagging some guy that interests me. Merlin, that thought is depressing, and I'm not that desperate yet._

_Or… I could put my skills to use and see if I can find what it is that Harry actually wants in a woman. Maybe if I change myself entirely and pretend to be someone else I could get lucky._

_And if at first I don't succeed… well, with my morphing ability I can try, try again._

_Wish me luck!_

~o~


	8. How Harry's trial should have gone

_Author's Note: Okay, first off... I didn't write this. Honest... I ran out of text. I had a flat battery, I didn't have enough money for a recharge. My USB didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town (and hacked my account). Someone stole my keyboard. There was a blackout. A terribly noisy fan! Locusts! IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!_

~o~

**How Harry's trial for underage magic should have gone.**

**By Brian64**

Harry's face remained calm and unaffected as his trial began and the charges were read out. His expression didn't change as Minister Fudge asked his first question.

"You are Harry James Potter of Number Four Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey?"

"No. My name is Lucius Malfoy of Malfoy Manor, Wiltshire."

"What? What did you say?"

"My name is Lucius Malfoy of Mal–"

"Yes, yes, I heard what you said. But how can you be Lucius when you look like Harry Potter?"

"I was walking through the Ministry a few minutes ago after giving you my bribe to make sure Potter was expelled, when my body froze and I was forced to drink polyjuice potion and then veritaserum."

"What?"

"I was walking through the Ministry–"

"No! I mean… err... who did this to you?"

"I didn't see who did this as they were behind me and I couldn't turn around. After my body was freed, I was pushed towards the door and told to enter the room when the door opened."

"But why would they do this - and where is Harry Potter?"

"They said they wanted me to confess to all the bribes I gave you and to ask which of your toadies sent the dementors to Little Whinging-"

"But I didn't order any dementors sent to Little Whinging! There must be a mistake!"

By this time Madam Bones had heard enough. "Minister, I notice you forgot to deny you accepted bribes. I think we need to hear more of this before the veritaserum runs out."

"No! You can't! The... err... the witness hasn't been advised of their rights and the veritaserum was administered illegally! I demand he be issued the antidote immediately. Auror – do it now!"

Auror Dawlish approached the accused and issued three drops of the Veritaserum counter-agent.

After a few seconds, Harry blinked several times as though awakening, and a fierce expression rose on his face. In a loud, angry but still cultured voice he let his feelings be known. "This is an outrage! I demand to be allowed to leave here and return to my manor before anyone sees me in these disgusting clothes or this... this... half-blood mongrel's face any longer. I will not be shamed any further, Cornelius!"

"Yes, yes, Lucius you may leave now and go home."

Madam Bones had the last word. "Yes, Mr Malfoy, I suggest you head straight home and stay there so my Aurors don't have to look for you. As for this farce of a trial, I vote for dismissal of all charges against Harry Potter so that we can begin an investigation into these accusations of corruption. All those in favour, say aye."

Madam Bones counted as the vast majority of hands rose. "Those opposed? The ayes clearly have it. All charges against Harry Potter are dismissed. Now, Minister, I suggest you take the chair your friend is leaving..."

As Harry closed the doors behind him as he left the courtroom, he worked hard to try and maintain his angry expression. But as he emptied his money bag into the fountain on his way out, he couldn't help but laugh out loud and wonder whether pureblood wizards could actually get any stupider.

~o~

_I blame all those 'wizards is teh stoopid' and rewritten trial fics I've been reading lately... that and not enough coffee... but it wasn't me._

_Brian_


End file.
